Selfish Me

I've had this post floating around in my head for a few weeks now, but I've been sort of reluctant to write it down. I keep thinking that it makes me selfish, or greedy, or a bunch of other non-complimentary words. This pregnancy has been the hardest one on me…blame it on the fact that I'm older or blame it on the fact the last part occurred in the hottest part of summer or blame in the fact I have perfected complaining…but here it is.

I'm excited to have this baby for several reasons, but one of the highest on my list is the fact I'll get my body back. I'll get back a nose that's not stuffy. I'll get back fingers I can wear my wedding ring on. I'll get back the ability to walk up stairs without getting winded. I'll get back the ability to walk, not waddle. I'll get back the chance to sleep on my back. I won't dissolve into tears at a moments notice. I'll get back the usually cheery disposition (Jeremy can attest to the fact, I'm always grumpy!)

It's not only the things that I'll get back, it's the things I'll lose that I'm looking forward to as well. Besides the obvious belly, I'll lose the burn of round ligament pain. I'll lose complications that most pregnant women get that you don't want me to delve into. I'll lose a body that's always hot and/or sweaty. I'll lose the rapid change in mood swings. I'll lose the eyes staring at my belly…yes, I do see you.  And by no means is this list complete!

There is one big thing that I don't want back, but I know will come back…pain from RA and having to go back on medication.

The #1 reason I'm most excited to have this baby…well, I'll get a beautiful baby girl, of course!

I have 4 weeks left until my due date. I'd much enjoy having this baby sooner rather than later, but I don't have much say in that. Grace's first day of school is August 24 and I'd rather not be in the hospital for that. Grace was born a week late and was given an eviction notice (she was induced). Anna came 2 weeks early all on her own. I keep thinking about things that could go wrong, that I can't do it again, how labor's gonna start. And I keep thinking back to the day each of the girls was born, the miracle that Jeremy and I created. (See, I'm getting teary eyed right now!) Then I think about life with a newborn and 2 big girls…can I handle it?

I have a quote at my desk. "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."